Broken Mind and Broken Heart

You can only imagine what it is like to slowly feel yourself slip away and turn into something ugly and horrible and have absolutely no power to stop it. I felt like I was watching myself outside of my own body but had no control. Inside I was screaming for it to STOP!!! But there was no connection with what I was, and what I had become. I couldn't tell you when it started exactly I had no idea it was happening until it was too late. At first I felt tired and irritable. I started to catch myself snapping at people for no reason. I thought maybe I just needed more sleep and so I started taking long naps during the day when my kids were at school. Then I started to feel dizzy and my hands and feet felt numb. So I went to the doctor who performed some routine blood tests and found nothing wrong. It progressed into feelings of anxiety and an inability to sleep at night. I was having trouble eating and had no desire to do so. I hid my irrational feelings from everyone. I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy. I started to feel very insecure and pick myself apart constantly. My mind refused to rest and all my judgments were harsh and painful. The negative self talk would spin in my head for hours with no relief. I started thinking I was a horrible person, a horrible failure as a mother, and someone who would never accomplish anything in life. I became extremely paranoid that people wanted to hurt me and at times I was afraid to leave my house. I found that everything that made me happy and brought me joy in my life no longer made me feel good. In my intimate relationship I was no longer able to connect with my partner which hurt me deeply and caused problems in the relationship. I also started to become paranoid that he too wanted to hurt me and I started having 'conversations' with him about our relationship almost every time we got together. I no longer felt I could trust anyone. I buried these feelings as deep as I could and tried not to react to them. I tried to go on with my life and work it out. I wore a mask and smiled at everyone while inside I was constantly torturing myself. It was the worst at night when everything was quiet. My mind would spin and spin until I was crying my eyes out, holding my head trying to contain the thoughts, and BEGGING God to make it stop!!! I went to my doctor again and finally confessed some of what I was feeling and he prescribed a higher dose of anti-depressants for me. Weeks later, I became very sick and went to the hospital to find out that I had a stricture in my intestine and had to have a medical procedure done to correct it. I wasn't able to care for my children as my son has Cerebral Palsy and I couldn't lift him. So I was isolated in my home alone. I had all the free time in the world for my mind to wander off into dark places and it was too much for me, the loneliness of not having my children around was unbearable. I was starting to get desperate and what I was feeling was starting to become something I could no longer contain. I argued with my partner because he had to work and was unable to be there. I started to resent him. I stopped being there for him and trying to understand him. When the kids came home things were a little better and I started a new project which occupied a lot of my time and this too made things feel almost bearable. I thought everything was getting better and started to have hope. That's when the worst thing possible happened. I found out I was pregnant. Everything I had been feeling before tripled in intensity and became frightening and agonizing. I felt like the worst failure that ever lived. My desperation overwhelmed me. I beat myself up constantly, how could I be single and be having my third child? What kind of person did this make me? I felt like the most irresponsible person who ever walked even though I had done everything possible to prevent it. I was horribly ashamed. As you can imagine the negative self talk took over again and my head would spin with self hate almost every minute of the day. I had not only screwed up my own life but I had screwed up my children's lives and my partners’ life. I started to believe that he would abandon me just like everyone else had. I mean why would he want to stay with someone like me? I had nothing to offer him and now I was trapping him with this baby that he didn't want. I couldn't have an abortion because I would never forgive myself, and I would never be able to live with myself. I would feel like a murderer. I looked at the faces of my children and thought what if I had done that to them? Don’t think I didn’t consider it though it would have been the easiest solution for me but it wouldn't have been right. I just knew I didn’t have it in me. I failed my partner in that as well. I started to feel terror at the thought of being alone and having this baby by myself. My terror consumed me and blinded me. I had always dreamed of how wonderful it would be to be pregnant and share it with someone that I loved and I had never experienced that. My other pregnancies had been the loneliest times in my life and I didn't feel I could go through that again. This was my worst nightmare and it was coming true. He would tell me that he wasn't leaving but I couldn't hear it, in my mind he had already left. My mind wouldn't let me rest, it constantly played back memories from my past of how horrible it had been when I had my other children alone. I was convinced that this would happen to me again and I became even more desperate. I became lost and all rational thought was gone. I started fighting with my partner every single time I saw him or talked to him, pressuring him to make more of a commitment to me then he was ready for. I started threatening him that I would run away and he would never see me or the baby. I used guilt, blame, and blackmail to try to control him. I became obsessed and called him constantly then b*tched at him the minute he answered the phone. This WASN'T me!!! I HATED this person!!! I was lost inside somewhere and this cruel manipulative b*tch took over. I was powerless to stop it. I really tried as hard as I could but I had no rest. I loved him so much but I got lost. I lived in constant despair torturing myself over and over again and hating myself on the deepest level imaginable. I felt abandoned. I felt INSANE. That’s when I started to feel as if life was no longer worth living and I started having thoughts of death as a relief. I was only able to fall asleep at night by imagining myself dead and not feeling this pain anymore. The only thing that was stopping me from ending my life was the baby inside me. I became more and more irrational and pushed my partner further and further away. He tried, but he could do nothing right by me. I could no longer hide what I was feeling. I was very sick and I had lost all control. Then one day I decided to take my kids to the drive-in. We got half way there and the thoughts continued to consume me. I asked my daughter to put on my favorite CD so I could try to drown out the thoughts and she told me that she had taken the CD out of the van. I LOST IT!!!! I have NEVER EVER lost it to such an extent in all my life. I pulled the van over and started to just SCREAM in a voice I didn't even recognize as my own. I have no idea what I said just that I couldn't stop. Inside my head I was telling myself to STOP that I was hurting my little girl and I needed to STOP but I had ZERO control. It went on and on... I was finally able to make myself get out of the van and walk around outside until I had some sense of control. I took the kids to my Mom's house because I was scared. They stayed there for the next few days. I couldn't even get out of bed. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I felt hopeless and desperate. I beat myself up because I couldn't control this and I didn't know how to make it stop. I didn't know who this person was that had taken control over me, I felt possessed. I checked in to a psychiatric hospital, I knew I needed help and my therapist agreed. In the 3 years she had known me, even through some extremely difficult times, she had never seen me this way. The truth is I had never felt this way before in my life. I knew there was something horribly wrong. It reached an ultimate low after that. I took a pass from the hospital and I went to my partners house and we had another fight during which I ended the relationship. He took me to my Mom's house, my Mom was angry that I came there so late and woke her up and she yelled at me and said things which really hurt so I walked out of the house, I had nowhere to go. I felt utterly hopeless. I ended up in a nearby park lying on the ground in the rain, and my mind was completely gone. I wanted to die and started thinking about how I could achieve this. But I had the baby... I felt trapped. I started thinking if I stepped in front of a transport truck and managed to protect my tummy that maybe I would be brain dead but the baby would be able to live. Ok I was irrational but not stupid I knew that wouldn't work. Then I thought about a severe head injury and if I could figure out how to hit myself in the right place that I could develop amnesia. Lastly I started thinking about running far away, just getting on a bus and disappearing forever. These thoughts terrified me and I didn’t know where to turn. I could feel every last bit of my true self slipping away and I needed help. I used my cell phone to call my partner because there had been a time when he always made me feel better, he was amazing at bringing me back to reality. However, it was a HUGE mistake!!! I had no rational thought left, I started blaming him for everything. I told him I HATED him and he disgusted me. I called him a liar. Then I told him if he didn't come back to me and give me what I wanted that I would kill myself and the baby. Those are just the things I remember saying to him I am sure there was more and just as awful, maybe worse. When it was finally over I had no hope left in the world but I sat there and I thought of my children and the baby I was carrying. I prayed for help and felt calm for a moment. Calm enough to walk back to my Mom's house and go to sleep for a short time. I woke up sobbing uncontrollably and asked my Mom to drive me back to the hospital. While I was in the hospital I met with a dietician who wanted to help me with my eating for my babies’ health. I explained to her the situation and that I felt there was something wrong and it wasn't just that I was depressed. She actually listened to me and she cared. She ordered a full screen of all my vitamins and essential nutrients. That's when I found out I had become mal-nourished and extremely nutrient deficient. My body was completely depleted and my hemoglobin was extremely low. I found this information on a web site about depression:

Here's a rundown of recent finding about the relationship of vitamin deficiency to depression:Vitamin B1 (thiamine): The brain uses this vitamin to help convert glucose, or blood sugar, into fuel, and without it the brain rapidly runs out of energy. This can lead to fatigue, depression, irritability, anxiety, and even thoughts of suicide. Deficiencies can also cause memory problems, loss of appetite, insomnia, and gastrointestinal disorders.
Vitamin B3 (niacin): Pellagra-which produces psychosis and dementia, among other symptoms-was eventually found to be caused by niacin deficiency.
Vitamin B5 (pantothenic acid): Symptoms of deficiency are fatigue, chronic stress, and depression. Vitamin B5 is needed for hormone formation and the uptake of amino acids and the brain chemical acetylcholine, which combine to prevent certain types of depression.
Vitamin B6 (pyridoxine): This vitamin aids in the processing of amino acids, which are the building blocks of all proteins and some hormones. It is needed in the manufacture of serotonin, melatonin and dopamine.
Vitamin B12: Because vitamin B12 is important to red blood cell formation, deficiency leads to an oxygen-transport problem known as pernicious anemia. This disorder can cause mood swings, paranoia, irritability, confusion, dementia, hallucinations, or mania, eventually followed by appetite loss, dizziness, weakness, shortage of breath, heart palpitations, diarrhea, and tingling sensations in the extremities.
Vitamin C: Subclinical deficiencies can produce depression, which requires the use of supplements. Stress, pregnancy, and lactation also increase the body's need for vitamin C.
Minerals:
Deficiencies in a number of minerals can also cause depression.Magnesium: Deficiency can result in depressive symptoms, along with confusion, agitation, anxiety, and hallucinations, as well as a variety of physical problems.
Calcium: Depletion affects the central nervous system. Low levels of calcium cause nervousness, apprehension, irritability, and numbness.
Zinc: Inadequacies result in apathy, lack of appetite, and lethargy. When zinc is low, copper in the body can increase to toxic levels, resulting in paranoia and fearfulness.
Iron: Depression is often a symptom of chronic iron deficiency. Other symptoms include general weakness, listlessness, exhaustion, lack of appetite, and headaches.
Manganese: This metal is needed for proper use of the B-complex vitamins and vitamin C. Since it also plays a role in amino-acid formation, a deficiency may contribute to depression stemming from low levels of the neurotransmitters serotonin and norepinephrine.Potassium: Depletion is frequently associated with depression, tearfulness, weakness, and fatigue.

I was deficient in all of these vitamins and especially Calcium, iron, zinc, and potassium. I was also protein deficient and vitamin D deficient which also can cause depression. When I became pregnant my problem worsened as my baby was taking everything and caused me to become further depleted in these vitamins and nutrients. I was transferred from the psychiatric hospital to a medical hospital where I had a PIK line implanted (which is a long tube which starts in your arm and leads up through a major artery into the heart) and was given Total parenteral nutrition (TPN), which is the practice of feeding a person intreveniously, bypassing the usual process of eating and digestion. The person receives nutritional formulas containing salts, glucose, amino acids, lipids and added vitamins. Within days I no longer had the extreme depression and I started to feel like the old me. I stayed at the hospital for 3 weeks and was eventually weaned off the TPN and able to eat (with supplementation) enough to support myself and the baby. I still need to be given injections of certain vitamins and I have to take a lot of supplements. I am going to be ok physically and I get stronger everyday. But I have lost something which meant the world to me. I lost my first love and the father of my child. My dreams of sharing my pregnancy with someone have been shattered. I unintentionally drove away the only man I have ever loved. I can never take back the things that I said. I apologized to him but that isn't enough. He will always remember me as that insane person who treated him horribly and hurt him deeply. I can tell when I try to talk to him that he still sees me that way. It is hard not to be consumed with guilt and beat myself up for what happened. Although the depression has lessened, the hurt of losing him is immense. I cry myself to sleep sometimes wishing I could take it all back. I can never make it right and I don't blame him for wanting nothing more to do with me, I despised the person I had become and can't imagine what it was like for him to be on the other side of that. My worst nightmare has become my reality. I am having my baby alone. I lost my first love. The only person I have ever loved. I have become a nuisance to him now and a constant source of stress. He no longer has any feelings for me and will probably never forgive me. The only thing I can do is let him go. He deserved so much more then what he got. But I did too. I had no chance, every part of me was controlled by this sickness, my mind, body, and soul. I miss him deeply. But I refuse to take the role of the victim. I took my health for granted for such a long time. I cared more about being skinny then about taking care of myself. I was at one point 300lbs and I never wanted to be that way again and I never realized what the costs would be of constant starvation diets and taking diet pills that were designed for extremely overweight people when I only had 20lbs left to lose. Losing my mind wasn't something I could control but taking care of my health should have been more of a priority for me then looking perfect. I am NOT that person I became. I NEVER get angry like that and I love people and care very much for others. I live by 2 motto's, if I can't be a person in someone's life who brings happiness, and enrichment then I don't want to be a part of their lives at all, and if it isn't fun - it isn't worth it. I live my life for the moment and do my best to bring joy to the lives around me. I want only to inspire people and I want to be the one who brings comfort to those in need. I hate b*tching and nagging and feel that it is a waste of time. My children are my life and I live for them and I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt them. What I became went against everything I believe in and was absolutely disgusting on every level!!! The sad part is that I can never take it back. I can never take it back... I carry a baby inside me that was created through a love that was pure and unconditional. I will cherish this child for the rest of my life and even at this point I would give up everything to make sure he arrives safely in this world. I lost my love, that hurts more then I ever imagined was possible, but I carry a part of him inside me and I will have that to hold onto for the rest of my life!!!